Little Sally Takes a Shit!
Sorry to disappoint those of you actually looking for some kind of musing or fetish writing about poop. Rather, it’s about the increasing lack of sense I see in modern parents.
If you are a parent, then I must inform you, and I speak on behalf of THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE when I say this,
NOBODY IN THE UNIVERSE WANTS TO SEE PICTURES OF YOUR KID ON THE TOILET!
Yes, that’s correct, NOBODY, not the grandparents, not your best friend, not other parents, and certainly not all your Facebook friends, particularly the ones you’ve met once and just added to FB because OMG WE MET THIS ONE TIME, WE HAVE TO BE FB FRIENDS, or the ones you’re only friends with because you really needed someone to water your FarmVille crops at some point in time.
No, I don’t care that your friends left “amused” comments. They aren’t amused. The only amusement they find is in how retarded you are for posting pictures of your child on the toilet. It’s called being polite to someone despite their lack of social graces. It’s a modern version of a friend begrudgingly acting as if they care about whatever it is you shouldn’t be sharing.
We live in an online-exhibitionist society. 20 years ago, rather than posting your child’s excretory endeavors online, you would have taken photos of them and gotten them developed at one of those old timey photo labs I hear grandpas talk about. Then, you would have found some other ridiculous way to force people to pretend to care and enjoy that which is social torture. You would have carried any and every photo of your child in your purse or wallet. You would have looked for completely inopportune times to remove these photos from your purse or wallet. Lastly, you would have grabbed your friends by the hair and slapped them across the face with said photos as you comment about how ADORABLE and FUNNY and OMG LOOK AT THIIIIS OOOOOONE. You would have been completely oblivious to the fact that at least 99% of the people you slapped across the face with kid photos (none of whom ASKED to look at pictures of your doofy children) were falsely smiling, all the while secretly wishing they had carried a gun so they could not so accidentally shoot themselves in the foot, thus giving them an excuse to make a graceful departure from the horror.
I say this not because I’m mean, or “a child-hating bitch,” but as a friend, as someone who wants to help you keep your friends and not replace all your friends with other people who are just as lame and socially retarded as you:
EVERYONE HATES A PERSON LIKE THAT.
There, I said it so the rest of your friends don’t have to.
I’m glad you’re enjoying parenthood. I really am. Too many parents go ahead and have children either without thinking about it or without enjoying it and both the children and the parents end up suffering and later just spread the cycle of suffering to the rest of us. So, I am sincerely happy for you that you want this experience. I’m also genuinely happy for you that you no longer have to change diapers. I understand that you like to share things that give you joy,
…very few people, living or dead, in this universe or any other, want to see ANY pictures of your kids, let alone pictures of your kids taking a shit or a piss.
You know what? These two things give me unimaginable joy:
…and yet, I don’t go around “sharing” that joy with everyone at every possible opportunity…but perhaps I should, if for no other reason than to teach people like you a lesson.
If you value your friendships with people, please, PLEASE don’t show anyone pictures of your child taking a shit….EVER! In fact, in person, don’t show people pictures of your child unless they’ve asked. If the pics are hanging on the walls, on your desk, posted on your Facebook, fine, people who care will go look. Otherwise, you’re being extremely rude. No one has told you this because no one else wants to be seen as rude for admitting the truth, but the truth is, as the late, great George Carlin once said, “Nobody cares about your children, okay? That’s why they’re YOUR children. So YOU can care about them and we don’t have to bother.”