Douche Wars


I have noticed an increasing trend of male cattiness, and I’m not sure exactly how to describe it.  I can only compare it to how some women are just mindbogglingly awful to any woman who’s attractive, calling her a “slut” or, “a whore” or, “a cunt” or any other array of insults.  With men, the name of the game is the same, but the chosen, albeit completely boring and unoriginal, term is:


I won’t deny there are douches out there.  I won’t deny many of them love Ed Hardy and Affliction.  I won’t deny there aren’t men who make complete careers out of being douche bags -coughJerseyShorecough-.  Yet, I WILL deny the idea that every man who isn’t a slovenly, obese redneck is a douche.

Just because a guy CARES about how he looks doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a douche.  Just because he doesn’t choose his adornments by sniffing whatever is left on the floor and selecting, not that which doesn’t stink, but that which doesn’t stink as badly as the rest, does not make him an awful person.  Just because women would rather sleep with someone we don’t have to close our eyes and pretend is someone else doesn’t make good looking guys all assholes.  All walks of life produce dickheads.

The second we meet a man, we’re assessing his fuckability.  Yes, women do this.   Now, most of us realize there’s a 50/50 chance that any given man, any given PERSON really, regardless of his looks, is a dickhead.  So, if we’re already taking that chance, we would rather take it with somebody good looking who is actually TRYING to win our affection than somebody who isn’t.  It’s not all about DNA either.  Dressing well, smelling nice, and displaying a little muscle send us good messages.  It tells us you have pride, can take care of yourself, and have decent finances.  Do you think we LIKE doing your laundry, dressing you, learning how to tie a garment we will never wear because you’re too stupid to learn how to do it yourself, feeding you, cleaning your apartment, wiping your piss off the toilet rim, reminding you that you need a shower, nagging you about your diet/exercise problems, etc., etc., etc., ET FUCKIN’ CETERA?  HELL NO!  However, when you go out looking like a bum, THAT is the message you’re sending us.

We know there are plenty of well dressed men that can’t take care of themselves or their finances, but within the first nanosecond that we notice you and assess your fuckability, we’re not gonna think about that, just like how you don’t pass over the hot model and admire the fat goth girl in the corner and say, “Wow, I bet she’s really deep and smart and interesting.”  Likewise, we know there are plenty of men that seem like slobs on the outside, but can take care of themselves and their finances.  Yet, when you don’t even TRY TO PRETEND you’re not a pig, then neither will we.

I think the reason it angers men so easily is because only in recent years have women become more vocal about sexual desire.  The fact that we now ADMIT (we always felt this way, but have only recently been “allowed” to express it) that we like sex and we like it from a good looking, in shape guy who knows what he’s doing, and that being “funny and smart” but built like Chris Farley just isn’t enough for most of us drives some men up the wall.  They don’t like female sexual independence, which is the real reason they hate “douches.”  Most of them aren’t even aware that’s the reason, but it is.

Also, classically, men are used to doing most of the sexual selection, and now the tables are starting to turn.  They are now getting a very itty, bitty, teeny, weenie glimpse of what it feels like to be rejected based solely on pure sex appeal and experience the pressure put on them to look their best….and they HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it (for the record, so do we)!  Though, if I had a dime for every time a man could actually apply how bad it sucks to his own treatment of women…then…I’d be in massive debt and would have to dip into my, “I want smart, funny, independent woman,” aka, “Well, she’s smart because she’s with me, she’s funny because she laughs at my lame jokes, and she’s independent because she works AND does everything around the house,” IRA.

You know what?  I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you’re obese.

I’m sorry your wardrobe consists of tapered jeans and Hanes T-shirts.

I’m sorry you don’t know how to take care of yourself.

I’m sorry you’re lazy.

I’m sorry you’re SO uncomfortable with yourself.

I’m sorry you have no problem literally drooling over a young pair of tits, but then go insane when a woman does the same over a set of pecs.

Most of all, I’m sorry that between you and a fit, well dressed heterosexual, YOU are the bigger douche, even if he smells like he bathed in Axe body spray because of the two, he is the less insecure.  Yet, I don’t expect you to change because you have such a big support network of other losers who also can’t figure out why they can’t get women, which is apparently more important than actually GETTING a woman.  Alas, maybe you’ll luck out and meet a woman with self esteem just low enough not to care that you’re a loser.


About ktrantingredhead

Aspiring writer, professional ranter.

Posted on June 10, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I love this whole blog and wish I could paste it all over town. I went out last friday and the pub was filled with really nicely made up women and men who seemed to be wearing what they rolled out of bed that morning in. Seems like the only effort they made with their appearance was shaving.

    And my favourite line is “The second we meet a man, we’re assessing his fuckability. ”

    Judging by all the comments I hear, I was starting to feel shallow for doing EXACTLY this. (I love how Chris Rock figured this out years ago…”A woman knows within the first 5 minutes of she’s gonna have sex with you or not.”

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